Ant #49. GIRL GONE WILD lyrics.

It's so hypnotic
The way he pulls on me
It's like the force of gravity
Right up under my feet

It's so erotic
This feeling can't be beat
It's coursing through my whole body
Feel the heat

I got that burning hot desire
And no one can put out my fire
It's coming right down through the wire

Here it comes
When I hear them 808 drums

It's got me singin' hey-ey-e
Like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild
I'm like hey-ey-e
Like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild

Girls they just wanna have some fun
Get fired up like a smokin' gun
On the floor till the daylight comes
Girls they just wanna have some fun

A girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild
I'm like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild

The room is spinnin'
It must be the tanqueray
I'm about to go astray
My inhibition's gone away

I feel like sinnin'
You got me in the zone
DJ play my favourite song
Turn me on

I got that burning hot desire
And no one can put out my fire
It's coming right down through the wire

Here it comes
When I hear them 808 drums

It's got me singin' hey-ey-e
Like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild
I'm like hey-ey-e
Like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild

Girls they just wanna have some fun
Get fired up like a smokin' gun
On the floor till the daylight comes
Girls they just wanna have some fun

I know, I know, I shouldn't act this way
I know, I know, I know, good girls don't misbehave, misbehave
But I'm a bad girl anyway
Forgive me

Hey-ey-e
Like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild
I'm like hey-ey-e
Like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild

Girls they just wanna have some fun
Get fired up like a smokin' gun
On the floor till the daylight comes
Girls they just wanna have some fun

A girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild
I'm like a girl gone wild
A good girl gone wild

Ant #48. Girl Gone Wild.

"Oh my God,
I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven,
and the pains of hell.
But most of all because I love Thee,
And I want so badly to be good."


M

Ant #47. Love & Hangover.

Terrible hangover. I haven't felt myself such a dead for a long long time.

Yesterday I was on comedy TV-show shooting. The show had a gay theme, that I didn't know about. I guess my mom will be surprised if she sees it... Buh )))
Then we've got drunk. Well, I've got drunk, my friends didn't drink at all. But I wanted, I had to. Last days were so stressful, I needed some rest and relax.
So I had fun. Yeah! ))) Drunk I tweeted so many silly things like "V-O-D-K-A" ("L-U-V Madonna" style) or "I could be Eugene"))) Just shit. Whatever.
Oh yeah. It seems like last night I wasn't the only one who was drinking.

This morning I was dreaming about death! LOL ))))) But I had to go to the rally. Again! They will never end for me. Anyway, I have my citizen position. Democracy is what we all about.

Why did I call this post "Love & Hangover"?
Ah, yep. Because I love you.

Ant #46. Sense of life.

A few days with no any single post, but I had nothing to say.

I'm so exhausted. Total emotional emptiness. I gave myself trying to fix everything, and nothing happened.
Full ignoring and hatred. All my messages are leaving without responses.

Is this the end? It seems like...

I don't know what to do now? How to live? For whom to live? No answer.

Don't you think that breaking my heart you'll destroy my faith in love? My heart cannot be bleeding always. One day it will burn down and turn into the coal. Of course, I will forgive you even if you apologise in 1000 years, but will I be able to love again and give you so much passion like I can now.

You're killing my soul, therefore you should know that the flesh cannot love...

Ant #45. The last conversation.

Me:
I don't know how to be...
I wanna tell you so many things, but thoughts are messing in my head.
I don't understand why we haven't a dialogue, why you're not going on contact. You can pretend as long as you want that I don't exist in your life, I will never believe it. And don't try to make me pretending as well. I'm not gonna do that.
Foolish situation. You want us not to talk? You wanna delete all the memories? Right? You'll get better? Ok, just one word from you and I will never disturb you. But damn it, it's a delirium. It's impossible! It's so wrong!
Why don't you meet half-way? Stop holding the anger. I didn't do anything bad to you. Nothing! But if I did, tell me. I wanna know and I'm ready to apology.
I have overcome it all a long time ago, because I don't wanna live with an insult inside of me. I wanna remember all the best. Why don't you want? Let's overcome all the disagreements together. Aren't we able? It's so easy.
I will die if you decide to delete me from your life, but I'll stand any decision. Think about it...
You're not obliged to me anything, therefore do how you feel you'll be better personally. Don't worry about me.

You:
You're the most important person for me in this f*cking world. But I need time to come to senses... Forgive me. I wana talk to you, but I can't. Meanwhile... Please, forgive me.

Me:
I'm ready to wait as long as necessary. Know that I'm always on a phone call distance. But for now I won't disturb you. All the best for you.


P.S. I'm typing and tears are falling down on the keyboard...

Ant #44. Heaven.

Do you believe in heaven on Earth?
I mean... Where is your own way goes to?
Do you believe in happiness?
Do you think that after the fall down you can get up and go ahead?
Why don't you believe in yourself?
What is your direction?
Hell or heaven?

Everyone has his own life phylosophy. Some of us think that life only brings us pain, disappointments, sufferings. It's a road to the hell. And if it's yours, you should better turn around and run. RUN RUN RUN! Hell is not what you need. Hell is not where you supposed to be. Trust me.
I believe in heaven. I believe in angels. I believe in what I live for. And I do believe that heaven is a place for everyone. You're alone or not, it doesn't matter. Open your heart, and you'll see how beautiful this place is.

You say "Heaven is a place on earth with you."

I'm waiting for you there. Can you hear me calling?

Ant #43. Night dream.

Country house, lake, my friends, me and... my ex, swimming and not talking to me...
I'm trying, but getting the silence and reproaching sights in response.
I'm coming closer and... nothing, like I don't exist.


Then I'm inside of house, looking for something, for someone, for me. The house looks like a labyrinth, the labyrinth of my mind. I open all the doors and find strange things there, broken dreams, destroyed plans, forgotten people. But I'm still looking for...


- You look so wet after the lake. Wanna take a shower?
- Yes, please.
- That door. Towel?
- ... *taking a towel*
- We need to talk. May I go with you?
- As you wish.


I stand a back to a wall, cannot see anything because of the shower curtain. I'm listening to water, but I'm hoping to listen to words. I'm coming and opening the curtain. We're looking at each other, eyes to eyes... and there's no need to talk... just kiss.


My subconsciousness is killing me!

Ant #42. St. Valentine's f*cking day.

You just cannot imagine how much I hate this day.
For me it's the worst day in the year.

I don't even want to read my facebook timeline, coz there are hearts, angels, love and other crap.
This is so silly.
I wrote in my status that I'll unfriend with everyone who congratulates me with this f*cking holiday.

ONE MORE TIME!
I'm single. And I don't wanna pretend I'm happy today, coz I'm not! And I won't be.

This day lost all sense for me.

Last night I had a dream that I opened the door and there was my lovey.
That's why I'm so pissed off.

Ant #41. Pills.

I've got ill a little bit (no worries, I'm not gonna die) and in the pharmacy they recommended me to buy the new pills, that will treat me fast.
"Let's try"- I thought and I've bought them.

The most interesting began when I swallowed the first pill. I felt really strange, physically and especially emotionally. Then I've read these pills have so many by-effects, up to depression.

I feel so unprotected now! Every word can hurt me. Every sight. Every thought.
I'm afraid of my thoughts. They don't let me sleep well, live well.

I wanna break my phones, laptop, iPad, everything, because I'm so f*cking afraid to send SMS saying "I still f*cking love you."

:'-(

Ant #40. My life is my business.

It feels so strange.

My ex's friend is trying to teach me how to live my life. Huh.
I don't know what she heard about our relationships, but it's only one opinion.
How dare you? You don't know anything about how it felt and how it still feels to me!

You said I lie to myself. Pardon, lie about what?
Did I say I'm not in love anymore? No, I didn't.

If I don't wanna continue these relationships, it doesn't mean I lie to myself. I just locked my heart. That's all.

So now get the f*ck outta my life. Thank you.

Ant #39. W.E. review.

Today I've seen Madonna's "W.E." movie.

All I can say is WOW! 

I knew Madonna wouldn't make a bad thing, but this movie is even better than I was expecting.

It's a brilliant mix of amazing acting, great camerawork, wonderful vision and sound effects and, of course, very smart directing.

My best impressions are all about Andrea Riseborough. She acts her role awesome. I looked at her and I believed everything she said or did. So true emotions, so many passions she's enclosed in Wallis. How she danced, how she smoked, how she cried... Just undescribably!

Before I first heard about Madonna planning to film the movie, I had no idea about the story of the King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. All I knew was he gave up his throne for her, for a woman he loved. 

They told about it in every interview or article. 

But noone said about Wallis! And I think it's a big mistake of everyone who wrote a review.

Yes, Edward has refused his power, his crown, his position in a society. But was anyone thinking about what she has refused? Wallis gave up all her life! Before she met him, she was rich enough, she had a very influential friends, she had a husband who loved her more than his life, she had everything what a lot of women could only dream of. And what she got? The whole world's hatred, the exile from the country, the life under paparazzi's camera, the need to always be worrying.

So who made a bigger sacrifice? To me it's obvious. 

During the movie I couldn't stop admiring to her. She was so strong, so purposeful...

She loved Edward and she knew that if she (only she) would let them be together, her normal life full of happiness will be destroyed. And she chose her love! She knew she had to stay with him till the end (she wrote about her feelings in letters) and she stood with him even understanding how hurt it will be for her. Edward was just a silly enamoured man, but Wallis was a brave self-denying woman who had everything in her hands. Only she could change their both lives forever and she had enough boldness to do it. She took all the responsibility.

And Edward answered her with the biggest love on the Earth. Till the end, till the last breath he loved her more than his life. And when he was dying, he asked her to dance for him. He loved her dancing... till the last breath.

I found some similarities between me and Wallis. I was in the same situation when only I could save our relationship and turn our mutual dreams into the truth. But I couldn't do that. I'm not so strong as "the most despised woman in the world".

So do W.E believe in love now? I do.

Ant #38. W.E. believe in love. Do we?

Tomorrow I'm going to the cinema to watch the premier screening of Madonna's movie "W.E."
Here in my country this film is calling "W.E. believe in love".
This is so funny! ))) I'm going to watch the film by a woman who inspires me during all my mature life and this is the first time I cannot agree with her.

I definitely don't believe in love. It doesn't mean I can't love. I can. God knows I can!
I'm pretty sure that love exists, but if it brings you a pain, a sadness, a suffering, it's a f*cking shit, not love!
Love must make you happy! When you love, you wake up being full of energy and wishes to live for your the only one.

I don't know how it feels... My love, my biggest brightest endless love gave me so much pain, I can't describe. I wouldn't wish anybody to go through this hell.

Sorry for this crap. I'm a little bit drunk.