Ant #212. Just an idiot.

Leaving Cordoba in 30 mins. Leaving my last hope.

Why the hell did I come here? What was I expecting? 

He said his feelings were true, while my feelings ARE true. 

Seeing him was the worst torture in my life! Just imagine, guys, how it feels to see in front of you a person who you love with all your heart, more than your life, and not to have a possibility to kiss or hug or even touch him. 

He left me on the street and I burst in tears... Yeah, like a silly girl. 

I just wanted to look into his eyes to see if he still feels something to me and I didn't see anything. I don't even know now if he ever loved me. I still feel absolutely the same to him, but he's got cold. So damn quickly. 

He said "we broke up because we are too different". One of us must be an idiot. 

Good bye, Cordoba! See you... well, never. 

Ant #204. Pictures.

Why am I so stupid?
I know that's it gonna be a torture, but I do it again and again.
I scroll up pictures on my phone and watch it all... you... me... us...

I must delete all these pictures memories, but I can't.
We seem so happy on them.
Why has it gone?

:'(

Ant #191. Letters.

Hey, dear!

A hug is what I really need now, for sure! If u ever come back here again, you're always welcome at my home.

I never regret for what I've done, I can only regret for what I haven't done.

The problem is that I never lived alone before, always with parents or roommates. And if I ever felt lonely I had somebody to talk to. It's so new to me. I wanted to live alone so badly, and now when I got what I wanted I understand how much I need someone else.

I know what you're gonna say... that I'll get used to it. I agree, but this is the worst of the worst moments to do that. When your heart is broken you need many people around you so their voices could muffle your heart's crying.

You're right, we didn't have too much time to know each other better, but I hope we will in the future. And I do appreciate the fact that you told me your secrets. It means a lot to me, seriously! And I really hope we'll see each other before the next tour.

And thanx for advice about volunteers. I think it's a great idea!

XoXo

*  *  *

Sometimes I need to take my thoughts out of subconsciousness and write them to somebody.
It helps me to understand what I really feel.

Ant #189. To love again.

I've been told that someone likes me.
It's a big honor, but you gotta know something...

You met me in the worst time of my life.
Recently my past relationship has been finished and I'm still suffering.
I wish I could open my heart to new people, but it's broken and it doesn't seem it gets fixed soon.

I'm heartily sorry... I cannot do anything...
But I do my best...

So before we take this road, before you change my mind,

Fill my heart with hope, help me to believe this time.

I've been torn apart, desperately try to find a way back to my heart,

So I can love again...

Ant #185. I need a doctor.

This doctor...

Time goes, but nothing changes.
It still hurts, and every day it's only more painful...

Ant #181. Just to let you know...

Ant #106. Turn Up The Radio.

Last few days were the worst in my life, 
and only this video saved me...

When the world starts to get you down

And nothing seems to go your way

And the noise of a maddening crowd

Makes you feel like you're going to go insane

There's a glow of a distant light

Calling you to come outside

To feel the wind in your face and your skin

And it's here I begin my story

Ant #43. Night dream.

Country house, lake, my friends, me and... my ex, swimming and not talking to me...
I'm trying, but getting the silence and reproaching sights in response.
I'm coming closer and... nothing, like I don't exist.


Then I'm inside of house, looking for something, for someone, for me. The house looks like a labyrinth, the labyrinth of my mind. I open all the doors and find strange things there, broken dreams, destroyed plans, forgotten people. But I'm still looking for...


- You look so wet after the lake. Wanna take a shower?
- Yes, please.
- That door. Towel?
- ... *taking a towel*
- We need to talk. May I go with you?
- As you wish.


I stand a back to a wall, cannot see anything because of the shower curtain. I'm listening to water, but I'm hoping to listen to words. I'm coming and opening the curtain. We're looking at each other, eyes to eyes... and there's no need to talk... just kiss.


My subconsciousness is killing me!

Ant #38. W.E. believe in love. Do we?

Tomorrow I'm going to the cinema to watch the premier screening of Madonna's movie "W.E."
Here in my country this film is calling "W.E. believe in love".
This is so funny! ))) I'm going to watch the film by a woman who inspires me during all my mature life and this is the first time I cannot agree with her.

I definitely don't believe in love. It doesn't mean I can't love. I can. God knows I can!
I'm pretty sure that love exists, but if it brings you a pain, a sadness, a suffering, it's a f*cking shit, not love!
Love must make you happy! When you love, you wake up being full of energy and wishes to live for your the only one.

I don't know how it feels... My love, my biggest brightest endless love gave me so much pain, I can't describe. I wouldn't wish anybody to go through this hell.

Sorry for this crap. I'm a little bit drunk.

Ant #36. Can we be friends?

Yesterday I was unpleasantly surprised.
I opened the forum and saw my ex's post: "I play [Give Me All Your Luvin'] song on repeat!".
I wrote: "Hey. You don't like this song! :-)"
And you know what I got back? It was "F*ck you!"

Why do YOU hate me so much? I didn't do anything bad to you. And if I did, please forgive me.
A long time has passed. It's time to forget all the sadness, insults, mutual claims. It's time to grow up. All the happened is in the past now, and I'm looking forward to see the next day. I do believe it will be better than today and I wish all the best for you too. If not with me, so with somebody else. Truly!

I don't want us to be enemies. I wanna be your friend. Why not? Don't pretend you don't care about me! I know you do! I do too!

Nothing more to say.

P.S. Next time you'll be about to tell me "F*ck you", please, think twice.

Ant #7. Pain.

I'm not afraid of a physical pain. I can fight it out.
But which doctor should I call when I wanna scream and cry? Which pill should I swallow when my heart is bleeding?

Today I have woken up at 5.30 am without alarm or anything else. I don't know why and how, but I woke up and took my phone and in 10 seconds I've received a sms...

What do you want from me?

I told you everything! I'm not gonna live in this circus anymore. You know I'm always open to talk to you, if you'll find to discuss something (but I doubt actually). All you need is your web-friends, gaga, gossiping. There's no place for me. I'm too mature to play this shitty game.

Call me in a few years, if you like.