Ant #241. St. Valentine is coming.

2012.

You just cannot imagine how much I hate this day.
For me it's the worst day in the year.
I don't even want to read my facebook timeline, coz there are hearts, angels, love and other crap.
This is so silly.
I wrote in my status that I'll unfriend with everyone who congratulates me with this f*cking holiday.
ONE MORE TIME!
I'm single. And I don't wanna pretend I'm happy today, coz I'm not! And I won't be.
This day lost all sense for me.
Last night I had a dream that I opened the door and there was my lovey.
That's why I'm so pissed off.

http://thoughtsarelikeants.blogspot.com.ar/2012/02/ant-42-st-valentines-fcking-day.html 

2013.

Ok guys! I hope everybody survived one of the most despised holidays )))
Seriously, I know so many people who hate the 14th of february, even I was one of those people.
But everything's changed since I met my babe! ♥
I'm really glad for those who were able to spend this day together with their "valentines". You're very lucky!
My "valentine" is 15000 km from me, but our love story has just begun. And I hope I'm sure that once we get together, every day will be St. Valentine's Day!
Sending the positive vibes to all my friends! We all need to believe in love! It's the most beautiful thing in the whole world!
To my T.B.: I wanna dedicate this next song to you!
But before you play it, I wanna remind you that "novio" and "amante" in english are the same word! This song isn't about "amantes"! XoXo

http://thoughtsarelikeants.blogspot.com.ar/2013/02/ant-152-st-valentines-day.html 

Those 2 posts I wrote in 2012 and 2013.
Kinda different, right?
What will I write in 6 days?
Any thought?
...
Like 2012. I hate this holiday again.

Ant #71. The scars.

Everyone knows that if you was wounded once, the scar will never disappear. It will always remind you about what's happened.
Do you have any scars?
I do have one... on my heart.

I'm looking back and I don't feel anything. Maybe I was suffering too long and now I'm free?! It seems like...
But I can see my scar, I can touch it...
It's big, right from the top to the bottom of my heart. The wound was too deep, the hit of the knife was quick and unexpected. It's like when you trust someone and don't know he/she is a criminal.

Would I like to revenge? Hell, yes! I know it's bad, but I can't fight this feeling.

Our conversation 2 days ago was extremely fun! Especially when you tried to read my mind with psychologic keys. DUH )))) Honey, I know them much better than you, so you will never be able to read my mind. Throw out these cheap books. They don't help you. You only will be too upset because you've read them. Trust me. They will make you living in your own world with these rules you have read, but they won't work. To be able to read someone's mind you have to know the subject well and you have to know the life well, or you'll do so many mistakes... Anyway, it's up to you! Have fun! ;-)

P.S. Oh yeah... )

Revenge is sweet

Ant #50. St. Petersburg.

Yesterday I have bought the Golden Circle ticket for Madonna's concert in St. Petersburg and immediately have drowned in my memories.

Do you have a day or a time which you will never forget?
I have, and it's exactly her show in the Northern Capital in 2009, where I've been... Where we have been...
Who knew how these days will change my life? Forever!

Our first meeting... I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember all my feelings, I remember your eyes, your smile... The heartbeat.

This is so funny ))) I've just watched all my photos from St. Petersburg, you're standing with me everywhere! ) So nice... )

And the day X. Do you remember? When I said: "We need some raincoats! Who wanna go with me? You! Come on!" I'm not sure you were happy to walk with me looking for this plastic crap, but I think you were. ))) And then... Do you remember? I said: "I don't know how about you, but I wanna go home and sleep at least 1 hour or I'll die!" Hahahahaaaa))) I'm such a bitch, I know )

And then, when we came home and laid down on the bed trying to fall asleep. Did you fall asleep? I didn't. I couldn't. I felt something... something burning inside of me... I couldn't resist it.

Your taste is still on my lips...

After 3 years... Let's try again?

Ant #46. Sense of life.

A few days with no any single post, but I had nothing to say.

I'm so exhausted. Total emotional emptiness. I gave myself trying to fix everything, and nothing happened.
Full ignoring and hatred. All my messages are leaving without responses.

Is this the end? It seems like...

I don't know what to do now? How to live? For whom to live? No answer.

Don't you think that breaking my heart you'll destroy my faith in love? My heart cannot be bleeding always. One day it will burn down and turn into the coal. Of course, I will forgive you even if you apologise in 1000 years, but will I be able to love again and give you so much passion like I can now.

You're killing my soul, therefore you should know that the flesh cannot love...

Ant #44. Heaven.

Do you believe in heaven on Earth?
I mean... Where is your own way goes to?
Do you believe in happiness?
Do you think that after the fall down you can get up and go ahead?
Why don't you believe in yourself?
What is your direction?
Hell or heaven?

Everyone has his own life phylosophy. Some of us think that life only brings us pain, disappointments, sufferings. It's a road to the hell. And if it's yours, you should better turn around and run. RUN RUN RUN! Hell is not what you need. Hell is not where you supposed to be. Trust me.
I believe in heaven. I believe in angels. I believe in what I live for. And I do believe that heaven is a place for everyone. You're alone or not, it doesn't matter. Open your heart, and you'll see how beautiful this place is.

You say "Heaven is a place on earth with you."

I'm waiting for you there. Can you hear me calling?

Ant #41. Pills.

I've got ill a little bit (no worries, I'm not gonna die) and in the pharmacy they recommended me to buy the new pills, that will treat me fast.
"Let's try"- I thought and I've bought them.

The most interesting began when I swallowed the first pill. I felt really strange, physically and especially emotionally. Then I've read these pills have so many by-effects, up to depression.

I feel so unprotected now! Every word can hurt me. Every sight. Every thought.
I'm afraid of my thoughts. They don't let me sleep well, live well.

I wanna break my phones, laptop, iPad, everything, because I'm so f*cking afraid to send SMS saying "I still f*cking love you."

:'-(

Ant #37. Pride.

Can you walk trough your pride? Think twice before answer!

I thought I can't, but tonight I did it... Maybe the first time in my life.

I added as a friend on social networks, i wrote that I'm very sad about everything happening between us last weeks, I apologized.

I really want us to be friends.
I don't wanna look back and feel sadness because of us. I wanna remember YOU as the brightest little star in my life.

Ant #32. Body heat.

I never liked to sleep having embraced!
Someone told me "You don't like it and you won't like it untill you find a person who's made for you".
Now I realize this is so true. I've totally changed my mind.

I love it!

It's so amazing feeling when someone's body is next to mine, when I can feel a hand on my breast or I can put my hand on someone's breast, when I can feel the heat in every piece of my body.

I remember the first time when I felt it.
It was... like wow, like an angel touched my soul... my angel. I couldn't sleep at all, I even couldn't breath. I thought my heart was beating million times per a minute.

I would give my all to feel it again...

Ant #30. New classmate.

Last week I met a girl in my institute. Not in the class, outside. She looked so lost, and she came to me to ask where's the room #11.
I understood she's probably in my group, if she's looking for my room.
We started to talk. Her name is Anna.

I cannot explain what's happening inside of me. She's absolutely not my style, but I can't stop looking at her, when we're in the class.

But the most strange thing is I still love another person, and I don't think it's gonna be changed in the close time. My heart is broken. No, it's destroyed. I ask myself, will I be able to love again? I hope so...

Ant #25. A Single Man.

Tonight I've been watching a film by Tom Ford "A Single Man".

The story about the guy whose love has died in a car accident. He's been left lonely on the Earth. He had nobody to live for and he started to destroy himself... Step by step. Not only physically, but emotionally. He was dreaming about death, he planned a suicide.

In the end he understood that he had to survive, the life is not over, there are many things, people, emotions he hasn't felt yet. But it was too late. The heart attack said NO.

Well... Wanna know what I'm thinking about?
During the movie I wanted to switch it off.
I've lost my love as well. Maybe the biggest love in my life. But I'm not gonna die. I don't lose my faith in love. I deserve to be loved... if not by you, so by someone else.

Tears, pain, sadness are degrading you.
Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs are degrading you.


You think that I can't live without your love... You'll see...

Ant #19. I wanna learn...

I wanna learn how to forgive.
I wanna learn how to say "I love you".
I wanna learn how to place priorities.
I wanna learn how to call first.
I wanna learn how to believe.
I wanna learn how to feel.
I wanna learn how to trust.
I wanna learn how to be yours.

Teach me...

Ant #15. For all the "applicants".

Just to let you know...
Yes, I'm single, but my heart is occupied. So please leave me alone.
Thank you.