Ant #80. LIFE AFTER SURVIVAL.

I took some rest and now I'm ready to blog again!

The idea of the name of this post is owned by Rum-Punch Drunk.
Thanx for this great idea. I love how dramatic it sounds. )))

So... How am I doing? I'm doing well.
I'm filling my life with impressions which I forgot about.
I visited the exhibition of Leonardo da Vinci, the lecture of one great writer, the film festival, the theater, I had a few cool walks with my friends under the spring sun.
Today I'm going to Madonna Party.
Tomorrow my niece from abroad is coming to see me, so I'm taking 3 days off to spend all the time with her.

I wanna open my heart to the world. It's not so bad. There are so many beautiful people around me. Why didn't I look at them? There is a spring, birds are singing, sun is smiling...
Awesome!
I feel so... shiny and new! Like a virgin touched for the very first time!  LOL )))

Life after survival

Ant #79. The writer's crisis.

That's it!

Like all bad writers/bloggers I need something bad happening to be able to write.
I never could write a diary, it's not my type. I don't find my life incredibly interesting to describe every single day in bright colours.

I created this blog when I was on the edge of death, when I was feeling I couldn't breath anymore, when I was watching my life rolling down in the hell.
For the last 5 months I have posted here many random thoughts about friends, about family, about travellings, about Madonna, but of course a lot of them was about me and my broken heart.

So now what?
I survived! I SURVIVED THESE BAD TIMES!
And I don't feel need to write here anymore. About what?

Maybe when I'll go on tour, I'll have more things to speak about. But now...

This is the end.

...

Or not? ;-)

... to be continued.

Ant #78. ★ Astrology ★

★   ★   ★ 

Do you believe in astrology?
Do you believe that stars predetermine your destiny, your character, your professions and even your future partners?

Well, I don't have a clear opinion about it. But when I see something like this (keep reading!), it's hard to disagree that stars have much stronger influence on us than we think.

A few weeks ago I've got my own astro map. If you have ever been interested, you probably know what is it. It looks like this. --->

Of course it's not mine, I've just found it on google. )))
Looks cool, don't you think so?

So... One astrologist offered me to make my own map and see what the stars speak about me. He did it for free, I wasn't risking. And you know what? He was completely (ok, not 100%, but 95% for sure) right about me as a person, even if he never met me and didn't see me.


I'm gonna share with you some stuff from his comments.
Take a seat and enjoy! ;-)

All you are concentrated on is YOURSELF, your person. But there is a nuance, your moon is in the 12th house, it means that your subconsciousness pulls you somewhere higher.


Even if you'll never be a businessman, your mind feels a smell of success and money, involves into new ideas, it knows well which deal is good. Try to find yourself in ADV business, PR, media.


People love you or hate you. The energy that goes from you is magical, promising, dangerous. But you don't pay attention to this fact, that's why sometimes you don't understand why people do strange things to you. It's all because of your deep emotions, possibility to re-invent yourself. "I'm not what you think of me" - that's what you are!


You demand absolute personal freedom.


You're interesting, creative, tolerant, full of impressions and different interests.


Your strongest planet is Mars. Even if you're Capricorn and used to like the order in everything, Mars "takes you away" sometimes.


It doesn't matter what was at the beginning, at the end there always will be a great success or a catastrophe.


Your loneliness turns into a way together.


You'd like to see someone wild and passionate as your partner. If it's a woman, she must be sexually liberated, brave, with a devil in her eyes. If it's a man, he must be brutal enough, brunet, with a penetrating glance. They both gotta have something natural, virgin, on the animal passion level. But for life you'll get someone another: intelligent and graceful person, but not sexually diffident at all.


And much more!
I don't wanna write here about parents, friends and what he called "transits".

And you know what I thought?.. I love stars!!!

Stars are blind.

Ant #77. MDNA World Tour Countdown!

Madonna MDNA World Tour

Ant #76. Life after life.

I got an interesting question. Do I believe in life after life?

Wow. I wasn't ready to answer immediately. I said YES, but for me it's not about my faith, it's about my wish.
I wanna say... We all will die one day and I'm not worrying will I be "alive" after life or not?
I just don't want my love to die with me. Yes, that's the problem! Who will be loving those who I love after my death? Who will be loving you? Noone will love you as much as I do!
I need a second life, a life after life, because there's no enough time on the Earth for us both. How long can we stay alive? 80, 90, 100 years? But my love will live forever and I gotta do something with it.

I'll be missing you so badly, waiting for you at the skies and preparing the best cloud for you!

Ant #75. What is love?

Yesterday I've seen a mexican movie that calls "Amores Perros".
"A horrific car accident connects three stories, each involving characters dealing with loss, regret, and life's harsh realities, all in the name of love."

The film itself is so-so. I liked the idea about connection, but I wasn't impressed with these three stories. Kinda simple, usual. Though maybe it's their charm.

But what has really impressed me is a slogan of this movie!
"Love is betrayal. Love is anguish. Love is sin. Love is selfish. Love is hope. Love is pain. Love is death. What is love? Love's a bitch."


Brilliance!!!

Ant #74. Living in a coma.

I don't even know what day in a row I open my blog, look at it and close it.
It doesn't mean I have nothing to say, it means I don't feel need to say anything.
I had lots of fun, I met my friends, I did a few important things... But who cares? Even I don't care.

It looks like coma. I'm alive, but I don't seem like alive. No thoughts, no emotions.
Damn it, I've been dreaming about it! So why do I feel so unsatisfied now?
I was telling me every day "Keep calm! Keep calm! Keep calm!"
And I got what I want. And it's not what I want!

Where is a firework? Where is a passion? Where are love hormones?
"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes." This song is about me, definitely.

This is so hard to be balancing between mind and feelings. I never could do that and with the age I haven't learned how to do that.

Firework! I NEED FIREWORK!!!

Ant #73. By my side.

Doh! It's happened.
A few my friends stopped talking to my ex because of me.
But I never asked them about it. Moreover I think it's very bad decision.

One of them told me, he doesn't wanna know this person.

I don't need this kind of support and I would never appreciate it.
They gotta stop talking with someone if he/she did something wrong to them. Only to them, not anybody else. It was our relationship and nothing has changed for them.

Once again, I'm not approving their intentions.

Ant #72. Empty Box.

In life of everyone there are moments when you want to forget everything, to forgive your own mistakes, to throw all the bad thoughts out, stop all the feelings. Someone calls it "reloading".

I have my own way to rest. I've learned it on my yoga lessons and I gave it the name "Empty Box".
I lay down and imagine the empty box instead of my head. I open it, watch the walls, touch the bottom. I love its texture and light-brown colour.
I keep lying on the bed and looking at the ceiling and I don't feel anything... No love and no pain, no friendship and no treachery, no happiness and no sadness. This is what I call "heaven"!

Last weeks I feel like the "Empty Box" mode is on all the time. 

I never felt so discharged of life.

Ant #71. The scars.

Everyone knows that if you was wounded once, the scar will never disappear. It will always remind you about what's happened.
Do you have any scars?
I do have one... on my heart.

I'm looking back and I don't feel anything. Maybe I was suffering too long and now I'm free?! It seems like...
But I can see my scar, I can touch it...
It's big, right from the top to the bottom of my heart. The wound was too deep, the hit of the knife was quick and unexpected. It's like when you trust someone and don't know he/she is a criminal.

Would I like to revenge? Hell, yes! I know it's bad, but I can't fight this feeling.

Our conversation 2 days ago was extremely fun! Especially when you tried to read my mind with psychologic keys. DUH )))) Honey, I know them much better than you, so you will never be able to read my mind. Throw out these cheap books. They don't help you. You only will be too upset because you've read them. Trust me. They will make you living in your own world with these rules you have read, but they won't work. To be able to read someone's mind you have to know the subject well and you have to know the life well, or you'll do so many mistakes... Anyway, it's up to you! Have fun! ;-)

P.S. Oh yeah... )

Revenge is sweet