Ant #37. Pride.

Can you walk trough your pride? Think twice before answer!

I thought I can't, but tonight I did it... Maybe the first time in my life.

I added as a friend on social networks, i wrote that I'm very sad about everything happening between us last weeks, I apologized.

I really want us to be friends.
I don't wanna look back and feel sadness because of us. I wanna remember YOU as the brightest little star in my life.

Ant #36. Can we be friends?

Yesterday I was unpleasantly surprised.
I opened the forum and saw my ex's post: "I play [Give Me All Your Luvin'] song on repeat!".
I wrote: "Hey. You don't like this song! :-)"
And you know what I got back? It was "F*ck you!"

Why do YOU hate me so much? I didn't do anything bad to you. And if I did, please forgive me.
A long time has passed. It's time to forget all the sadness, insults, mutual claims. It's time to grow up. All the happened is in the past now, and I'm looking forward to see the next day. I do believe it will be better than today and I wish all the best for you too. If not with me, so with somebody else. Truly!

I don't want us to be enemies. I wanna be your friend. Why not? Don't pretend you don't care about me! I know you do! I do too!

Nothing more to say.

P.S. Next time you'll be about to tell me "F*ck you", please, think twice.

Ant #35. People around me.

First of all I wanna say I do like my friends. But...

Sometimes I wonder what are these people doing and saying?
I mean... We all find friends looking similar to us, not physically, but emotionally. We all like to discuss things exciting us with our friends, we like to share our thoughts, no matter how bright or dark they are, we like to spend our free time with those who bring us a real pleasure.

So why do I feel so... alone? I don't feel I can tell my friends everything, because I'm pretty sure they won't understand me. I cannot discuss many important things, coz every time they're speaking, I wanna tell some of them "Oh please, shut up. At least you'll be looking smarter."

I don't want you to think about me that I'm narcissistic thing. No, I'm not (I hope so!). I just really cannot find common language with 99% of my friends. And it makes me sad.

I feel so mature, comparing myself to them. And I can't stand it. All the time I'm listening to them I ask myself "What are you doing here? Why are you listening to this sh*t? And why are you surrounded by these kids?"

Ooooph. This is hard.

Ant #34. Give Me All Your Luvin'

I'm super excited tonight!!!

Madonna has revealed the cover art of her upcoming single "Give Me All Your Luvin'".

Oh my f***ing god! I cannot stop looking at her!
She's hot as hell!
When I first saw it, I thought I'll dye! Arterial pressure rose, the temperature raised, blood boiled.
I guess I looked like a hungry man! )))

On 3rd of february she's releasing this single on iTunes with her promising-to-be-great video and performing at the SuperBowl Halftime show!

The new album titled MDNA comes out on March 26th.

The Queen! The one and the only!

Ant #33. Who really am I?

Today I've been talking to my friend about my ex, who is our mutual friend actually.
I heard he's found someone and they are probably enjoying each other. We've seen newbie's photos, and I'm not impressed honestly. But it doesn't matter, they have a lot of things in common (like gaga or the internet datings where they've found each other), so I wish them all the best.

But it's not what I wanted to say. When I said that this guy looks not very interesting to me, my friend agreed with me and added that he's probably not my ex's style. I said, "So I'm probably not as well".
And my friend told me:

- Buddy, you have an amazing energy! You entice into you, even if you don't wanna do that.
- What? What are you talking about?
- You heard what I've said.

I was a little bit confused with these words, couldn't answer anything.

Honestly, they tell me that, but I don't think it's definite true. 'Cause if it was true, I wouldn't have so many people disliking me with no reason. And yes, I always have a few persons ready to be with me, but I don't do anything for it's happening.

Anyway... Who needs this f*cking energy, if the only one you need doesn't wanna be with you?

Dot.

Ant #32. Body heat.

I never liked to sleep having embraced!
Someone told me "You don't like it and you won't like it untill you find a person who's made for you".
Now I realize this is so true. I've totally changed my mind.

I love it!

It's so amazing feeling when someone's body is next to mine, when I can feel a hand on my breast or I can put my hand on someone's breast, when I can feel the heat in every piece of my body.

I remember the first time when I felt it.
It was... like wow, like an angel touched my soul... my angel. I couldn't sleep at all, I even couldn't breath. I thought my heart was beating million times per a minute.

I would give my all to feel it again...

Ant #31. Madonna.

I wanna say something about Madonna.

I guess there's no need to explain that I'm not talking about mother of Jesus.
Everyone knows I'm talking about the most famous, talented and inspiring woman in the world of all time!

I don't wanna tell you how cool she is, how many albums she sold out, how many awards she won. You all know it. I wanna say what she means to me.

Let me speak...

All my life I've been looking at her and wondering how she re-invents herself, how she grows up, how she's learning every day, how she's getting better staying Madonna.
I've learned from her, from the best, that my life is a long (but at the same time short) journey to the sky. I always have to think what I'm doing or what I'm speaking, because I have millions chances to make a mistake, and who knows will I have a single chance to correct it? Every step can change my life forever and there won't be a way back. I have to be responsible for everything happening in my life!

And during my journey she's always with me! I can find so many different colours in her art for every kind of my mood. Even if I'm happy or if I'm upset, I can play her song and I'll get better.

Only God knows how many friends and lovers will go away, but YOU will never betray me!
Thank you, M.
Long live the Queen!

Ant #30. New classmate.

Last week I met a girl in my institute. Not in the class, outside. She looked so lost, and she came to me to ask where's the room #11.
I understood she's probably in my group, if she's looking for my room.
We started to talk. Her name is Anna.

I cannot explain what's happening inside of me. She's absolutely not my style, but I can't stop looking at her, when we're in the class.

But the most strange thing is I still love another person, and I don't think it's gonna be changed in the close time. My heart is broken. No, it's destroyed. I ask myself, will I be able to love again? I hope so...

Ant #29. Alone or with somebody?

I haven't been in relationships (in normal relationships) for so long.
I even cannot remember when I was in them for the last time. I guess 3 years ago.
It doesn't mean I had noone, of course I had a few partners. I had girls, boys, even married couple. But they meant nothing for me. I never told them these 3 words "I love you". Never.

You would ask me, what's hard in these simple words? Yes, I easily can tell my friends or parents that I love them, but I cannot tell anybody them if I don't believe I'd give my life for this person.

There are not more persons than fingers on my hand who heard "I love you" from me. And I proud of me 'cause these words from my mouth never turned into the trash.

So now what? I'm single again and I'm opened to the world. I can look around and see all the amazing people who really love me. I know them. They haven't gone.

And I ask myself once again. Do I have to look for someone special (maybe a few years like it was the last time) or should I be more ordinary? Give me the answer. This is a lifetime question.

Ant #28. Daaaaaance.

I thought that I haven't been in the club so long.
I gotta fix it.

But... I don't like to go to the clubs in my city. They suck. There's nothing of what I'm looking for.
When I'm abroad, I always ask people about the most famous and popular club in the city and go there. I was in Jimmy Woo (Amsterdam), Pacha (Buenos Aires), Soho (Vilnius), Reina (Istanbul) and many more.
I like this feeling when you come to the place and noone knows you. It doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. No. You always have to remember that tomorrow you'll wake up and probably you'll be embarassed. But in these situations you can be 100% relaxed. You don't need to pretend. You can meet and talk to new people.
Sometimes it can be fun. But sometimes you have to run away as fast as you can (trust me, I know what I'm talking about). Anyway, it's always a great experience.

Once upon a time I've met a few french girls and boys in Paris in the metro and they invited me to have a party with them. Some of you would think it's a madness and wouldn't go with unknown persons anywhere. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't crazy things. )))))
It's an good example. But I have had a bad one as well. One loony asked me to go to the hotel in 1 hour after we've met. )))) Hahahahahah. Who the hell you think you are? I never did it and I'm not gonna do it. I'm not that kind of person.

Ooooops! I think I have lost a thread. ))))))

So.... I wanna go to the club! Here or not, doesn't matter!


Heartbreak, make me a dancer!

Ant #27. Fear of sleeping.

From recent time I'm afraid to fall asleep, and I don't know what to do with it.
My subconsciousness shows me pictures killing me. Oh, this is so tough.

Every night I close my eyes I'm thinking about what will I see for this time: my broken dreams or my future full of darkness, my ex or my loneliness, the sky or the hell.

It's like a russian roulette: you never know, will you wake up happy or will you dream to never wake up again?

What a silly game.

Ant #26. Something to remember.

It's strange that I started to forget you so quickly. Believe me or not, I don't want to forget.

I want to remember forever how I was touching your face, how we were kissing under bridges, how sportsmen were looking at us...

But damn it... My heart was bleeding too long and now it turned into the stone.

Ant #25. A Single Man.

Tonight I've been watching a film by Tom Ford "A Single Man".

The story about the guy whose love has died in a car accident. He's been left lonely on the Earth. He had nobody to live for and he started to destroy himself... Step by step. Not only physically, but emotionally. He was dreaming about death, he planned a suicide.

In the end he understood that he had to survive, the life is not over, there are many things, people, emotions he hasn't felt yet. But it was too late. The heart attack said NO.

Well... Wanna know what I'm thinking about?
During the movie I wanted to switch it off.
I've lost my love as well. Maybe the biggest love in my life. But I'm not gonna die. I don't lose my faith in love. I deserve to be loved... if not by you, so by someone else.

Tears, pain, sadness are degrading you.
Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs are degrading you.


You think that I can't live without your love... You'll see...

Ant #24. Best song.

Tonight Madonna has won the Golden Globe for the best song from movie, for "Masterpiece".

Words cannot explain how proud of her I am.
She deserves all the awards in the world.
I didn't doubt she'll win, 'cause this song is so beautiful.


P.S. This morning was so bittersweet. The "hurting" nightmare dream and such a great news.

Ant #23. Time.

How much time do you need to forget your past and go into the future?
Can you live a full live and enjoy the attention to you, if you still feel that your heart is broken?
Do you have a right to flirt with someone, if deep inside you know You won't love again?

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...

Ant #22.

An attempt #2 to run away from me.

Ant #21. Anonymity.

Someone anonymously wrote me:

1) oh~ U so stupid!!!!!!!!

and this one

2) you're a mutt!

What can I say? It's not insulting me at all. I don't care about words of those who cannot tell me them face-to-face.
I know who you are. So why are you such cowardly? If you have something to tell me, do it. I have things to tell you as well. Be sure!

And one more thing. I never write anonymously. I'm responsible for my words, that's why I can honestly speak to anyone.

Ant #20.

I love you. And nothing will change it.

Ant #19. I wanna learn...

I wanna learn how to forgive.
I wanna learn how to say "I love you".
I wanna learn how to place priorities.
I wanna learn how to call first.
I wanna learn how to believe.
I wanna learn how to feel.
I wanna learn how to trust.
I wanna learn how to be yours.

Teach me...

Ant #18. Dates.

Last week I had a few dates.
I was bored and had nothing to do, so I thought why not, if they want.
I was hoping I can fill the hole in my heart by all these people.
I'm such a fool. I knew it won't help. ;-)

That's funny. I'm single, but I can't even kiss anyone. I hate they try to touch me.

I think I just need more time, but... "'cause after all nothing's indestructible."

Ant #17. Way back home.

The next morning a plane will take me away from the Holy Land back home.

It was a nice rest, but everything ends. I'll be missing the winter in shorts and t-shirts.

I'm going home with a heavy heart. I wanted to find answers, but I haven't found them. I wanted to run away from my thoughts, but they followed me. I wanted to light up my soul, but it's still deep in a darkness.

Wait for me, f*cking city. I'm coming...

Ant #16. B-Day.

I hate this day, 'cause I don't like to feel myself getting older.
Anyway, thanx for all your wonderful wishes... Except of one...

What do you think, is it OK when person who says he/she loves you sends you this message "Happy Birthday."

That's all!

I cannot believe it.

Ant #15. For all the "applicants".

Just to let you know...
Yes, I'm single, but my heart is occupied. So please leave me alone.
Thank you.

Ant #14. 2012..

I hope all of you were celebrating greatly. Me? Nothing to say. It was fun, but bittersweet. I opened the bottle of champagne on the beach, so I hope in 2012 I'll be as free as an ocean. Free and proud of myself.

You say you love me, but what you did is unforgivable.
There's no way back.