Ant #63. I F****d Up.

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
I'm not afraid to say
I wish I could take it back but I can't

I'm so ashamed 
You're in so much pain
I blamed you when things didn't go my way
If I didn't you'd be hear
If I didn't fight back I'd have no fear
If I took another path things would be so different
But they're not
I could've just kept my big mouth closed
I could've just done what I was told
Maybe I should've turned silver into gold
But in front of you I was cold

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
I'm not afraid to say
I wish I could take it back but I can't

I thought we had it all
You brought out the best in me
And somehow I destroyed the perfect dream
I thought we were indestructible
I never imagined we could fall
You wanna know how to make God laugh
Tell him your plans

We could have bought a house with a swimming pool, 
filled it up with warhols it would be so cool
Could've gone riding stallions in the country side 
with a pack of great danes racing eye to eye
We could have toured the world in a private jet
Run naked on the beach all soaking wet
We could have climbed the mountains seen a perfect sunrise
Written our names across the sky
We could have gotten drunk and driven on the autobahn
we could have got ourselfs arrested in St Germain
We could have lived like crazy till the day we die
Instead I made you cry

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
Je suis desole
I wish I could take it back but I can't

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
I'm not afraid to say
I wish I could have you back maybe one day
Or not...


Madonna.

Ant #62. I'm coming home...

This friday the plane will take me away from here to my mom's home.

It's always exciting to come home, to see my parents and sister, to meet my old friends... well, those who are still my friends...
What should I do there from friday till tuesday? I have no idea. Too much time for this place and these people.
1) Get my new passport.
2) Drink with my sister.
3) Drink with my best friend, meet his family.
4) Drink with my best friend from university.
5) Drink with my godsister.
5) Drink with my best female-friend in another city (3 hours long road is nothing for me).

Awesome plans... (((

If it was a summer, I could go on the beach, but now you can only freeze yourself instead of taking a sun bath. )

This is how my home town looks...

Ant #61. My new best friend.

I think I need a psychologist's help.
All my life I was afraid that the piece of internet will become closer to me than my real friends.
It's strange, it must not happen.
But what can I do, if I share my thoughts with my blog easier than with my friends?
They know me as a strong brave stony person. But it's just an external cover of me. And I would like to show them I'm not so frozen, I have feelings like all of them have. Unfortunately, they will never accept this part of me. They don't need me being sensitive, caring, helping, loving... They only need me being funny, laughing, clubbing...

This is tough...

Putting on my mask back...
Bye-bye, my sweet B.

Ant #60. Checkmate.

There's no way to describe what I've felt last night...
Nothing were about the bad news, but they always come when you're not expecting them.
Before I start to speak, I wanna ask you to close this window if you think that only someone's death or illness can make people sad. Noone died, noone got ill.

So... What made me so frustrated yesterday?

If you follow my blog you gotta know I'm going on tour. Well, I'm not touring, Madonna is touring, I'm just coming to her shows. And I had so many plans for this summer, I was imagining our fan club meetings. I do miss my foreign friends so much. And especially I was so excited to meet one of my best friends who I haven't seen more than 2 years. He was about to come to the very first show in tour, so do I.

Last night we had a short conversation and he told me he cannot manage it and he's not coming.

Checkmate.

I'm out.

Ant #59. I ♥ S&M.

Madonna. Sex Book.

Are you shocked?
Exhale. It's not what I meant. )))

S&M are first letters of names of two the most important persons in my life.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell them personally how much I love them, but I'm sure they know it or at least they feel it.

Ant #58. Summer sun.

All my life I loved a winter.

It was my time with no doubt. I felt like Snow Queen, I locked my heart, I froze my feelings, my mind got cold, hormones in my blood slept... I felt so safe.
But last winter everything has changed. I was trying to look strong, but I never was so weak.

And now I'm looking forward to stare into the sun! I'm not Snow Queen anymore! Yeah, someone has melted my heart. I tasted passions and suffering, happiness and tears, pleasure and pain. I tasted all the colours of the rainbow. Grayscale winter is not for me anymore.

This summer is so promising. I'll see a few people that I haven't seen years. Exciting...

The life on a light side starts on may 26th.

Ant #57. Worldwide clubber.

Have you ever travelled through the whole world just for one party?
I have )))

Stop laughing! ))) I'm not crazy and I'm not even rich!
I just cannot refuse my friends if they invite me. )))

Let's start this story from the beginning!
On aug 4th my friend from Holland, my beautiful dutch lady messaged me asking am I going to London for Madonna's B-day Party?! First minutes I was thinking she's joking, but then I realized she's not. )))
I said: "Well, it could be great for sure, but you know it's not so easy. Flights, hotels, pocket money."
She replied: "Honey, you can do that! Come on! I've found a baby sitter for J. [her daughter]. And S. [her husband] said YES! You cannot refuse now!"

In 10 minutes I've booked my flight to London and back )))

The trip was absolutely terrific! We were sharing the room with my dutch lady, so I wasn't a bankrupt )))
She helped me out to control my expenditures. My sweetheart )
I made an 80's outfit, the hair, accessories and I looked like Madonna on her first album cover. )
Sexy and I know it ))) LOL)))

Before the party we were looking for Madonna's house. It was hard, but we did it!

Madonna's house in London.

Not very bright, but with a lot of hidden cameras around. )))

The party itself was full of fun, laughs, flirts, meetings with old friends and making new ones.
I drank 2 huuuuge cups of cocktail, £5 each. I don't remember the name, but it was soooo tasty )))))

G-A-Y club, London.

I guess I looked too drunk, 'cause my dutch lady told me: "Hun, if you'll need a room for a couple hours, just tell me, I'll walk away!" LOL))))) It was really hard to explain that I'm not that kind of boy))) She was sure I'm a slut ))) I love her! )

Then we both had a great intimate afterparty in the lobby bar at our hotel. To me it was really pleasant, 'cause we finally could talk in a silence about everything, about our lives, jobs, friends and lovers, about our plans for the future. I love moments like this the most. This is what I do appreciate in friendship. Yeah.

Great memories!
See you all soon in Tel Aviv.
Mwah ;-)