March 31, 2012

Ant #70. The fellow traveler effect.

Do you know what is "The fellow traveler effect"?
It's a term of psychology meaning the wish of a stranger to tell you his whole life.

Last night I met a gay-guy (the friend of my friend) who felt need to involve me into the story of his life.
When my friend fell asleep, we stayed together with this guy, and he immediately started confessing.
It was very strange. We have met the first and (probably) the last time in our lives, but nevertheless I've learned about him so many things. He was talking about his childhood and hometown, about his student life in a new city, about his first sexual experience, about his biggest love... And it was the most interesting to me.

He met this guy on a dating web-site, but it was a love from the first sight. This guy is a little bit older and has a great job, so the confidentiality was the only one and very serious requirement. And in the beginning everything was good, but then something went wrong... Their farewell was full of tears, pain and... love. But they had to leave...

And now he's alone. They both are alone.

I don't know how could I keep silence. I was looking into his eyes and listening to all these beautiful words which he was using to describe that guy and their relationships. Just amazing...

It was almost 8 am when he finished this story with words "Yeah, it was great, but so many time has gone. I'm back on a dating site, maybe I'll find someone else?!"

All I could say is "Look at you when you're saying about him! Even if you have renounced all hope to take him back, don't find someone just for revenge! You will never forgive yourself if you do that. Live today, but don't refuse all these bright memories! If I was in your shoes, I would prefer to stay alone forever. Because all the newbies will never compare to him. You tasted the best, don't agree on worse."

March 30, 2012

Ant #69. Look it up!

I can't stop laughing at her! Still!
This is f*cking hilarious! )))

March 28, 2012

Ant #68. Austrian film festival.

This week here is going the Austrian film festival. I've chosen 2 movies to watch.

The first one is called "Breathing (Atmen)", which is screening in 45 minutes. A 19-year-old is coming out of prison and trying to build a new life, but he can't deal with his guilt.

The second one, and the most promosing, is "Michael". A drama focused on five months in the life of pedophile who keeps a 10-year-old boy locked in his basement.

It will be more interesting for me in case I'm so against the pedophilia, but I'll try to rate this movie honestly.

March 27, 2012

Ant #67. Chat with Madonna.

This morning I had fun )))

Madonna joined twitter only for 1 day (for a couple hours, actually), and of course I couldn't miss this opportunity to talk to her.
Mmmmm, yes, she didn't reply me even once! LOL ))))
But I had fun anyway)

At the beginning I was asking serious questions, but then I thought: "F*ck off! She doesn't even read it!"

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna Do you like to sleep? )

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna HAVE YOU SEEN MOLLY TONIGHT? I DO! *joking* )))

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna DO YOU MISS ME LIKE I MISS YOU?)))

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna HOLD ME LIKE YOUR MONEY! TELL ME THAT YOU WANT ME! ))) I love you, M! ) See you soon!

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna Do you have a tattoo "somewhere"? )

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna Wanna coffee? I'm making right now… Almost 7 am here )

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna L-U-V MADONNA!

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna YOU DON'T LOVE ME! I'M OUT! (((

@MadonnaMDNAday #AskMadonna Hey-ey-ey! Yeah-e-e-ey! I'm a boy gone wild! I'm a boy gone wild! )

March 23, 2012

Ant #66. Offline.

Today I felt it's enough.

First I deleted my account from formspring, then my 2nd twitter and finally I crashed my account in the most popular local social network.

It would be a lie, if I said it was easy. Not at all. When you're addicted to internet it's kinda tough to remove it from your life, but I did it and now I feel free. It's like you start the new life! The real life, free of web-shit.

I had reasons to do this.
First of all, I'm so tired of this endless misunderstanding in internet. When you're not talking face-to-face, noone can read your emotions or intonations, that's why people can interpret your words how they want. And it starts again and again... "You don't respect my opinion!" or "Your words are so insulting!" or simply "F*ck you!"... Pffffff..... I've done!
Next reason is I've just lost any point to stay online and connected with these people. I don't care what they post, they don't care what I post. Very often I skip all their sh*t. If we are really good friends I don't see a problem. We can call each other anytime and meet. And we will be able to talk and understand each other clearly!
3rd. You're free to post anything, my dear! I won't see it! You can post gaga, your porn-pictures, like other guy's photos, become friends with everyone. Since this moment I don't give a...

First hours it was very funny to watch people's panic!
Come on, I'm not dead, I'm just offline. ;-)

March 20, 2012

Ant #65. MDNA track-by-track review.

1) Girl Gone Wild - 5* - Wonderful opening of the album, showing its atmosphere. There's no way to sit down when you hear the first accords. The lyrics tell us who Madonna really is, "I'm a bad girl anyway" she sings in the end. Of course, she is, she's been and she always will be.

2) Gang Bang - 5* - It's beautiful in its darkness. The beat makes my heart beating faster. Incredible lyrics, simple and full of metaphors. Great idea to make this song growing up, but not blasting. It's like an orgasm with no cumming. After listening to this song, I'm moaning "Oh, Madonna, give me some more, pleaaaase!"

3) I'm Addicted - 5* - If you still don't understand why the album is called MDNA, listen to this song once again. It's a drug, the most dangerous drug in the world. The music is simply awesome. The strongest track on the album.

4) Turn Up The Radio - 5* - It must be the next single, definitely. Even if it's not my favorite track, the people will love it. Bright and shiny, and the most important is it doesn't have obscene. To pass the censorship on TV and radio many songs must be edited and they will lose their charm. But this song is made for the airplays.

5) Give Me All Your Luvin' - 5* - I still love this song, and I don't f*cking care what do you think about it. It's funny, catchy and could to be the huge hit.

6) Some Girls - 3,5* - I don't know who produced this song, but he must be fired. It has a nice retro smell, but it sounds like any Bloodhound Gang's song, that's completely disappointing. But I think people will like this song.

7) Superstar - 3* - Not very interesting song to me. Nice rhythm, but the melody is too simple and not catchy at all. "Ooh-la-la, you're a superstar!". Aha, yeah.

8) I Don't Give A - 4,5* - Ooooph, that's bold! Great funny song with a smash beat and cool personal lyrics. It's a slap into so many people's faces. Nicki Minaj is extremely relevant in this song. Her rap makes me laughing like a devil. "Hey-yo Madonna, you're original don dada!" Don dada??? Suuuuuure)))) Ahahahhaa)))) "There's only one Queen and that's Madonna, b*tch!" Yes, NM, we know it. Thanx. ;-)

9) I'm A Sinner - 3,5* - If "Beautiful Stranger" song didn't exist, I would rank this song with 5*, but sorry, it's a self-repetition. It's obvious, cheap and unforgivable self-repetition. I knew she didn't need Orbit in this album, and this track has proved my fears.

10) Love Spent - 4* - I've changed my mind about this song... A lil bit. I still don't like the 2nd part of the song, which was leaked as a snippet. I don't even like that the song sounds like two different songs merged in one. To me it's weird. The lyrics is what made me to rate it 4*, I find it kinda interesting. Nothing more to say about this Orbit's work.

11) Masterpiece - 4* - On "W./E." soundtrack I would rate it with 5*, because I love it so badly. I'm pretty sure that everyone who loved at least once must love "Masterpiece". The comparison to Mona Lisa is a brilliant work of art. But I think this song is not supposed to be on this album. Absolutely another story. 

12) Falling Free - 2* - From the moment I first heard it I think it's a fail. And don't even try to tell me about lyrics. When the music and melody are unlistenable, I don't care about words. Boring, boring and boring... Madonna could do better. Could William Orbit? Barely. At least on this album. I wanted to rate it with 1*, but I'm afraid of readers's revenge. )))

13) Beautiful Killer - 5* - Excellent old-school work, my second favorite song on the album. "Can't really talk with your gun in my mouth..." ))) Oh yeah, Madge. We know you like it )))

14) I F****d Up - 3,5* - Not bad song, worth its place in bonuses. I do like how the beat grows up and then falls down. Very interesting. As it was previously said, this song is dedicated to her ex-husband Guy Ritchie and she's probably missing him. Well, from the first listening I thought the same, but in the end there's a word putting everything on its place. "I wish I could have you back maybe one day... Or not?!" You got it? She doesn't want to have him back, it's just an nostalgia, waves of the memory.

15) B-Day Song - 3,5* - I wanted to rate it with 0*, but damn it, this shit sticks into my brains. I never heard more idiotic song than this one. I hope at least Madonna had fun when she was writing it. )))

16) Best Friend - 3,5* - I didn't hear the full song, but the snippet is not very promising.

I wanted to take 1 point out because of re-collaboration with William Orbit, coz I hate self-repetitions more than bad songs. But then I thought it's not fair, because all other songs are incredible. I think it's her best album since Ray Of Light or maybe even simply the best. It's still growing on me. But even if it's left on 2nd place after ROL, it will be her purest album anyway. Very rich sound, deep balanced lyrics, style galore.
My rank is 5*.

The best song: I'm Addicted.
The worst song: Falling Free.

March 19, 2012

Ant #64. The cage.

I know it's so bad to say it but these few days in my parents's home were awful.
Thanks God, tomorrow morning I go home.

My mom and sister have f*cked my brains. I never felt like in the cage here. All days I've been dreaming of an escape. I know they are caring about me, but I'm f*cking 26 years old independent man and they are f*cking gotta deal it.
Two days ago mom cried because I've had a dinner at a cafe instead of at home. What the hell? I was walking at city center and I was going to continue sightseeing. And I should come home just for a dinner? It's ridiculous! But it's impossible to explain to her such a simple thing.
Yesterday she cried because I was going to visit my ex-teachers. She said I don't spend a time at home. Damn it! What's wrong with her ego?
Today there was an epic scandal. Mom and sister were trying to give me $500, they think that I don't have enough money even for buying some food. I said NO. It's a madness. As they can see, I'm not dying and I'm far from being slim. I'm travelling and having a full life. But they started to cry saying I'm doing like I'm not a part of family! I was completely shocked and had nothing to say, coz it was the maddest thing I ever heard in my life! They told me I have to call them everyday, but I don't, I had to tell them all about my life, but I don't, I have to come here often, but I don't...

You can call me a sinner after what I'll say, but... I WANNA GO HOME! MY HOME!!!

March 18, 2012

Ant #63. I F****d Up.

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
I'm not afraid to say
I wish I could take it back but I can't

I'm so ashamed 
You're in so much pain
I blamed you when things didn't go my way
If I didn't you'd be hear
If I didn't fight back I'd have no fear
If I took another path things would be so different
But they're not
I could've just kept my big mouth closed
I could've just done what I was told
Maybe I should've turned silver into gold
But in front of you I was cold

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
I'm not afraid to say
I wish I could take it back but I can't

I thought we had it all
You brought out the best in me
And somehow I destroyed the perfect dream
I thought we were indestructible
I never imagined we could fall
You wanna know how to make God laugh
Tell him your plans

We could have bought a house with a swimming pool, 
filled it up with warhols it would be so cool
Could've gone riding stallions in the country side 
with a pack of great danes racing eye to eye
We could have toured the world in a private jet
Run naked on the beach all soaking wet
We could have climbed the mountains seen a perfect sunrise
Written our names across the sky
We could have gotten drunk and driven on the autobahn
we could have got ourselfs arrested in St Germain
We could have lived like crazy till the day we die
Instead I made you cry

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
Je suis desole
I wish I could take it back but I can't

I fucked up 
I made a mistake
Nobody does it better than myself
I'm sorry 
I'm not afraid to say
I wish I could have you back maybe one day
Or not...


March 14, 2012

Ant #62. I'm coming home...

This friday the plane will take me away from here to my mom's home.

It's always exciting to come home, to see my parents and sister, to meet my old friends... well, those who are still my friends...
What should I do there from friday till tuesday? I have no idea. Too much time for this place and these people.
1) Get my new passport.
2) Drink with my sister.
3) Drink with my best friend, meet his family.
4) Drink with my best friend from university.
5) Drink with my godsister.
5) Drink with my best female-friend in another city (3 hours long road is nothing for me).

Awesome plans... (((

If it was a summer, I could go on the beach, but now you can only freeze yourself instead of taking a sun bath. )

This is how my home town looks...

March 13, 2012

Ant #61. My new best friend.

I think I need a psychologist's help.
All my life I was afraid that the piece of internet will become closer to me than my real friends.
It's strange, it must not happen.
But what can I do, if I share my thoughts with my blog easier than with my friends?
They know me as a strong brave stony person. But it's just an external cover of me. And I would like to show them I'm not so frozen, I have feelings like all of them have. Unfortunately, they will never accept this part of me. They don't need me being sensitive, caring, helping, loving... They only need me being funny, laughing, clubbing...

This is tough...

Putting on my mask back...
Bye-bye, my sweet B.

Ant #60. Checkmate.

There's no way to describe what I've felt last night...
Nothing were about the bad news, but they always come when you're not expecting them.
Before I start to speak, I wanna ask you to close this window if you think that only someone's death or illness can make people sad. Noone died, noone got ill.

So... What made me so frustrated yesterday?

If you follow my blog you gotta know I'm going on tour. Well, I'm not touring, Madonna is touring, I'm just coming to her shows. And I had so many plans for this summer, I was imagining our fan club meetings. I do miss my foreign friends so much. And especially I was so excited to meet one of my best friends who I haven't seen more than 2 years. He was about to come to the very first show in tour, so do I.

Last night we had a short conversation and he told me he cannot manage it and he's not coming.


I'm out.

March 12, 2012

Ant #59. I ♥ S&M.

Madonna. Sex Book.

Are you shocked?
Exhale. It's not what I meant. )))

S&M are first letters of names of two the most important persons in my life.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell them personally how much I love them, but I'm sure they know it or at least they feel it.

March 11, 2012

Ant #58. Summer sun.

All my life I loved a winter.

It was my time with no doubt. I felt like Snow Queen, I locked my heart, I froze my feelings, my mind got cold, hormones in my blood slept... I felt so safe.
But last winter everything has changed. I was trying to look strong, but I never was so weak.

And now I'm looking forward to stare into the sun! I'm not Snow Queen anymore! Yeah, someone has melted my heart. I tasted passions and suffering, happiness and tears, pleasure and pain. I tasted all the colours of the rainbow. Grayscale winter is not for me anymore.

This summer is so promising. I'll see a few people that I haven't seen years. Exciting...

The life on a light side starts on may 26th.

March 9, 2012

Ant #57. Worldwide clubber.

Have you ever travelled through the whole world just for one party?
I have )))

Stop laughing! ))) I'm not crazy and I'm not even rich!
I just cannot refuse my friends if they invite me. )))

Let's start this story from the beginning!
On aug 4th my friend from Holland, my beautiful dutch lady messaged me asking am I going to London for Madonna's B-day Party?! First minutes I was thinking she's joking, but then I realized she's not. )))
I said: "Well, it could be great for sure, but you know it's not so easy. Flights, hotels, pocket money."
She replied: "Honey, you can do that! Come on! I've found a baby sitter for J. [her daughter]. And S. [her husband] said YES! You cannot refuse now!"

In 10 minutes I've booked my flight to London and back )))

The trip was absolutely terrific! We were sharing the room with my dutch lady, so I wasn't a bankrupt )))
She helped me out to control my expenditures. My sweetheart )
I made an 80's outfit, the hair, accessories and I looked like Madonna on her first album cover. )
Sexy and I know it ))) LOL)))

Before the party we were looking for Madonna's house. It was hard, but we did it!

Madonna's house in London.

Not very bright, but with a lot of hidden cameras around. )))

The party itself was full of fun, laughs, flirts, meetings with old friends and making new ones.
I drank 2 huuuuge cups of cocktail, £5 each. I don't remember the name, but it was soooo tasty )))))

G-A-Y club, London.

I guess I looked too drunk, 'cause my dutch lady told me: "Hun, if you'll need a room for a couple hours, just tell me, I'll walk away!" LOL))))) It was really hard to explain that I'm not that kind of boy))) She was sure I'm a slut ))) I love her! )

Then we both had a great intimate afterparty in the lobby bar at our hotel. To me it was really pleasant, 'cause we finally could talk in a silence about everything, about our lives, jobs, friends and lovers, about our plans for the future. I love moments like this the most. This is what I do appreciate in friendship. Yeah.

Great memories!
See you all soon in Tel Aviv.
Mwah ;-)

March 7, 2012

Ant #56. The hardest choice.

Love in hell or Loneliness in heaven?

Not so simple choice, right?
I asked myself millions times, am I ready to step into the hell, holding your hand?
I do know that being with you is loosing calm.
There's a war inside of me... The war of mind and feelings... And it doesn't seem to end... Never ever.
When I'm about to write you anything, I have to command my fingers to type "Have you seen this movie?" instead of "I love you!"
This is killing me...
But I can stand it. After all these sufferings, I'll be in heaven surrounded by angels making me feel exceptionally calm. But will I be happy there alone? That's the question...

Love in hell or Loneliness in heaven?

Ant #55. Love Spent.

"I want you to hold melike you hold your money
Hold on to it
'till there's nothing left

Love spent
Feeling love spent
Yeah, I'm love spent
Wondering where the love went
Love spent
Yeah I'm love spent
Really love spent
Wondering where it all went

Don't try to take me like you took your money
Take me In your arms until your last breath
I want you to hold me like you hold your money
Hold me in your arms until there's nothing left

Nothing left, nothing left, nothing left, nothing left

Love spent
Feeling love spent
Yeah, I'm love spent
Wondering where the love went
Love spent
Yeah I'm love spent
Really love spent
Wondering where it all went"


Ant #54. Addicted to MDNA.

It's a countdown! Yeah! It is!

I'm so excited about Madonna's upcoming album MDNA.
The more I hear new songs, the more I'm in love with her 12th babe.
The more I read reviews, the more I'm thrilled.
The more I'm checking my calendar, the more I'm dying to buy it.

Uuuh! Crazy times are coming from the clouds!

Yesterday, the snippet of "I'm addicted" song was revealed and it has blown my mind!
Yes, I liked "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and especially "Masterpiece", but "Girl Gone Wild" and "I'm addicted" are what I really would like to hear on her new album!
This is so unusual for her! It's like a trance!

And I'm not very happy about her collaboration with William Orbit.
But don't misunderstand me!
I agree with all of you, that "Ray Of Light" is one of her best albums, but I don't like self-repetitions.
It was and it was great! Please, not again!
Don't stop! Go ahead!

March 5, 2012

Ant #53. So close and so far.

Thanx to modern technologies I can see your face in Skype, but I can't touch you.

Why the world is so unfair with us?
You even cannot imagine what I feel when I'm looking at you...
I wanna say something important to you, but I swallow words, because I'm afraid of consequences. I know you wanna tell me the same, I can see it in your eyes.
What does stop us? The fear of repetition of mistakes? Maybe... But the truth is I'm ready to try again and again, because I can't live without you. I wanna die trying...

You said you don't wanna step again into the same river, coz you're afraid to drown in it. But I'm already in it and I'm drowning. And I need your help. I need you...
Or I really will die... trying...

Ant #52. "Drunk" SMSs.

I doubt there is at least one person who never sent it.
If you ever were in love, you definitely know how difficult it can be keeping calm...


When it's closing time in the club, you're completely drunk and lonely and you don't want anything except of telling your ex how much you still love him/her. The blood is running through your veins, transporting these thoughts eating you from inside. You're taking your phone and hoping it's dead, broken or discharged. But damn it, it works well. You start typing... deleting... typing... deleting... You're trying to find proper word... Making mistakes and correcting them... Making them again... After several attempt you're finally pressing "SEND" button and looking how the most stupid thing's happening. And no regrets!

But at the morning you're ready to sell your soul for the opportunity to turn back time. Familiar feeling? I  think so.

These moments I despise myself so much. I have to tell it when I'm sober or I have to shut up forever!

Noone takes it serously, they just think you're weak thing who cannot control himself. And probably you won't get anything in response.

Mar 4, 2012  6:40 AM
"I need you so badly! Good morning to you and Good night to me!"

March 3, 2012

Ant #51. Go wild tonight.

Yeah! Finally! It's happening!
I'm gonna dance my ass away tonight!

I'm going to the party, where will be a few people loving me. Does it mean I'll have fun? Yeah, definitely! ))) Even my roommate left to Germany and my apartment will be free. )

BUUUUUT... I could use this opportunity, if my heart wasn't occupied. So I think... No, I'm sure I'll come back home alone. Well, I'm not upset because of this. )
As I said before, I'm not that kind of guy.

I just wanna get drunk, dance, flirt, talk to my friends, tempt a few new persons... Yeah, why not?

I got that burnin' hot desi-i-i-re
And no one can put out my fi-i-i-re
It's coming right down through the wi-i-i-re
Here it comes
When I hear them 808 drums
It's got me singing...

March 2, 2012

Ant #50. St. Petersburg.

Yesterday I have bought the Golden Circle ticket for Madonna's concert in St. Petersburg and immediately have drowned in my memories.

Do you have a day or a time which you will never forget?
I have, and it's exactly her show in the Northern Capital in 2009, where I've been... Where we have been...
Who knew how these days will change my life? Forever!

Our first meeting... I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember all my feelings, I remember your eyes, your smile... The heartbeat.

This is so funny ))) I've just watched all my photos from St. Petersburg, you're standing with me everywhere! ) So nice... )

And the day X. Do you remember? When I said: "We need some raincoats! Who wanna go with me? You! Come on!" I'm not sure you were happy to walk with me looking for this plastic crap, but I think you were. ))) And then... Do you remember? I said: "I don't know how about you, but I wanna go home and sleep at least 1 hour or I'll die!" Hahahahaaaa))) I'm such a bitch, I know )

And then, when we came home and laid down on the bed trying to fall asleep. Did you fall asleep? I didn't. I couldn't. I felt something... something burning inside of me... I couldn't resist it.

Your taste is still on my lips...

After 3 years... Let's try again?