Ant #44. Heaven.

Do you believe in heaven on Earth?
I mean... Where is your own way goes to?
Do you believe in happiness?
Do you think that after the fall down you can get up and go ahead?
Why don't you believe in yourself?
What is your direction?
Hell or heaven?

Everyone has his own life phylosophy. Some of us think that life only brings us pain, disappointments, sufferings. It's a road to the hell. And if it's yours, you should better turn around and run. RUN RUN RUN! Hell is not what you need. Hell is not where you supposed to be. Trust me.
I believe in heaven. I believe in angels. I believe in what I live for. And I do believe that heaven is a place for everyone. You're alone or not, it doesn't matter. Open your heart, and you'll see how beautiful this place is.

You say "Heaven is a place on earth with you."

I'm waiting for you there. Can you hear me calling?

Ant #43. Night dream.

Country house, lake, my friends, me and... my ex, swimming and not talking to me...
I'm trying, but getting the silence and reproaching sights in response.
I'm coming closer and... nothing, like I don't exist.


Then I'm inside of house, looking for something, for someone, for me. The house looks like a labyrinth, the labyrinth of my mind. I open all the doors and find strange things there, broken dreams, destroyed plans, forgotten people. But I'm still looking for...


- You look so wet after the lake. Wanna take a shower?
- Yes, please.
- That door. Towel?
- ... *taking a towel*
- We need to talk. May I go with you?
- As you wish.


I stand a back to a wall, cannot see anything because of the shower curtain. I'm listening to water, but I'm hoping to listen to words. I'm coming and opening the curtain. We're looking at each other, eyes to eyes... and there's no need to talk... just kiss.


My subconsciousness is killing me!

Ant #42. St. Valentine's f*cking day.

You just cannot imagine how much I hate this day.
For me it's the worst day in the year.

I don't even want to read my facebook timeline, coz there are hearts, angels, love and other crap.
This is so silly.
I wrote in my status that I'll unfriend with everyone who congratulates me with this f*cking holiday.

ONE MORE TIME!
I'm single. And I don't wanna pretend I'm happy today, coz I'm not! And I won't be.

This day lost all sense for me.

Last night I had a dream that I opened the door and there was my lovey.
That's why I'm so pissed off.

Ant #41. Pills.

I've got ill a little bit (no worries, I'm not gonna die) and in the pharmacy they recommended me to buy the new pills, that will treat me fast.
"Let's try"- I thought and I've bought them.

The most interesting began when I swallowed the first pill. I felt really strange, physically and especially emotionally. Then I've read these pills have so many by-effects, up to depression.

I feel so unprotected now! Every word can hurt me. Every sight. Every thought.
I'm afraid of my thoughts. They don't let me sleep well, live well.

I wanna break my phones, laptop, iPad, everything, because I'm so f*cking afraid to send SMS saying "I still f*cking love you."

:'-(

Ant #40. My life is my business.

It feels so strange.

My ex's friend is trying to teach me how to live my life. Huh.
I don't know what she heard about our relationships, but it's only one opinion.
How dare you? You don't know anything about how it felt and how it still feels to me!

You said I lie to myself. Pardon, lie about what?
Did I say I'm not in love anymore? No, I didn't.

If I don't wanna continue these relationships, it doesn't mean I lie to myself. I just locked my heart. That's all.

So now get the f*ck outta my life. Thank you.

Ant #39. W.E. review.

Today I've seen Madonna's "W.E." movie.

All I can say is WOW! 

I knew Madonna wouldn't make a bad thing, but this movie is even better than I was expecting.

It's a brilliant mix of amazing acting, great camerawork, wonderful vision and sound effects and, of course, very smart directing.

My best impressions are all about Andrea Riseborough. She acts her role awesome. I looked at her and I believed everything she said or did. So true emotions, so many passions she's enclosed in Wallis. How she danced, how she smoked, how she cried... Just undescribably!

Before I first heard about Madonna planning to film the movie, I had no idea about the story of the King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. All I knew was he gave up his throne for her, for a woman he loved. 

They told about it in every interview or article. 

But noone said about Wallis! And I think it's a big mistake of everyone who wrote a review.

Yes, Edward has refused his power, his crown, his position in a society. But was anyone thinking about what she has refused? Wallis gave up all her life! Before she met him, she was rich enough, she had a very influential friends, she had a husband who loved her more than his life, she had everything what a lot of women could only dream of. And what she got? The whole world's hatred, the exile from the country, the life under paparazzi's camera, the need to always be worrying.

So who made a bigger sacrifice? To me it's obvious. 

During the movie I couldn't stop admiring to her. She was so strong, so purposeful...

She loved Edward and she knew that if she (only she) would let them be together, her normal life full of happiness will be destroyed. And she chose her love! She knew she had to stay with him till the end (she wrote about her feelings in letters) and she stood with him even understanding how hurt it will be for her. Edward was just a silly enamoured man, but Wallis was a brave self-denying woman who had everything in her hands. Only she could change their both lives forever and she had enough boldness to do it. She took all the responsibility.

And Edward answered her with the biggest love on the Earth. Till the end, till the last breath he loved her more than his life. And when he was dying, he asked her to dance for him. He loved her dancing... till the last breath.

I found some similarities between me and Wallis. I was in the same situation when only I could save our relationship and turn our mutual dreams into the truth. But I couldn't do that. I'm not so strong as "the most despised woman in the world".

So do W.E believe in love now? I do.

Ant #38. W.E. believe in love. Do we?

Tomorrow I'm going to the cinema to watch the premier screening of Madonna's movie "W.E."
Here in my country this film is calling "W.E. believe in love".
This is so funny! ))) I'm going to watch the film by a woman who inspires me during all my mature life and this is the first time I cannot agree with her.

I definitely don't believe in love. It doesn't mean I can't love. I can. God knows I can!
I'm pretty sure that love exists, but if it brings you a pain, a sadness, a suffering, it's a f*cking shit, not love!
Love must make you happy! When you love, you wake up being full of energy and wishes to live for your the only one.

I don't know how it feels... My love, my biggest brightest endless love gave me so much pain, I can't describe. I wouldn't wish anybody to go through this hell.

Sorry for this crap. I'm a little bit drunk.